Matthew was about three before he really started talking. It didn't seem that he was struggling to talk...just thinking about things before he said them. After having a daughter who talked in full sentences from before she was two, I was a little concerned. I shouldn't have been.
When he did start talking, he just chose his words carefully. He didn't talk a lot, but what he said was well considered (most of the time). Sometimes he said things that he knew were funny...as he loves to get a laugh. Sometimes he made some quips under his breath, as though he were the only one there. I loved the times when he would whisper in sister's ear, quietly suggesting that she be nicer to the family members around (when the "princess" attitude got a little out of control).
One night, when he was almost 4 years old, he was sitting at the kitchen island. I had decided to bake some cookies, but time was flying and it was almost bedtime. My husband sat down beside Matthew and made a suggestion.
"Matthew, I think we should get ready for bed, brush teeth and save the cookies for tomorrow."
It really was less of a suggestion and more of a strategic plan for the evening... and everyone knew it.
Matthew looked at Chris with his big eyes, paused, considered his response and then spoke.
"Dadio," he started in a kind tone, "I like your idea....(long pause)
...but no."
No tears.
No raised voice.
No whine.
No "life is unfair" tone.
Just a clear statement, starting with some praise, followed by a clearly defined stance! He wanted cookies. He was promised cookies and he would be eating cookies before bed.
Warm ones!
Fresh ones!
Delicious mounds of goodness!
He knew what he wanted. He made it clear.
Cookies were important to him.
He also knew something else, instinctively. He wanted to maintain a good relationship with his dad. Matthew wanted "Dadio" to feel like his opinion mattered, that he had been heard.
His dad was important, too.
In a world where every facebook, twitter, and social post has charged comments, hateful speech, and indications of lack of care and concern by all involved, I think back to this situation. If a small child can consider the feelings of others prior to making a stance, so can we.
In a situation where decisions are made, people take sides, and clear lines are drawn in the sand over seemingly every issue, it is easy to be frustrated, discouraged and angry. Being positive and encouraging, offering praise and seeing the "other" side becomes difficult, and we often slide down to the lowest level of communication.
You know...whining, tears, tone...the whole works.
This definitely describes me! Maybe I'm not alone.
So when life gets tough, I think back to the little voice from that day. I am constantly in awe of how a small child found ways to praise someone with a VERY DIFFERENT perspective AND still stood firm for what was right for him. No extra emotion.
Just firm, caring and calm.
He didn't avoid taking a stand...
AND...
He found a way to value someone with a different perspective.
Somehow he knew these are not mutually exclusive. Somehow he managed to do both.
Like RBG said: "Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you." Perhaps this was also what she meant; stand up for what you want, but value those around you at the same time. At 4 years old, Matthew seemed to understand this concept.
I don't know about you, but...
when I grow up, I want to be like my son.
Firm and kind.
Caring and honest.
Valuing others and standing up for myself.
I know it can be done.
I've seen it.
May your week be filled with goodness...
and maybe some warm cookies at bedtime!
Kim
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